Touch Me With Your Love
by Lux
Summary: Maria only needs Michael… and she’s feeling guilty about it.


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Title: Touch Me With Your Love  
**Author: **Lux  
**Email: **luxfanfic@hotmail.com  
**Rating: **PG13  
**Disclaimer:** The WB's 'Roswell' created by Melinda Metz doesn't belong to us.  
**Summary: **Maria only needs Michael… and she's feeling guilty about it.

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Category: Michael and Maria

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Author's Notes: Missing Candy Tags from 'Cry Your Name' episode - Maria POV

His caresses, I need them, they are the only thing getting me through the days and that scares me, my dependence on him…

What if he had died instead? That's a terrible thought Maria, I'm ashamed.

I miss Alex, the worse part is that I'll have to miss him forever, I'm selfish and so incredibly sad that the past week has went by in blurred snap shots and the only thing that was even remotely focused was him…

He took me home that night, I was numb from the shock, I wouldn't have been able to get home if it wasn't for him. Gently he guided me home, always with his hands on me, varying from on my elbow to the small of my back to my hips… they were comforting touches, they meant he was there.

Mum wasn't there when we got home, then again maybe she was and I didn't register her until I was handed a washer for my tear streaked face by familiar motherly hands. She cuddled me on the couch and I remembered having a fight with Alex one day in the 2nd grade and being in the exact same position at the end of that day aswell.

Michael hadn't been there though, and I had also been sure I was going to have to apologise to Alex the next day, that I was going to see him to do so aswell…

Michael had lifted me up and taken me to bed, I remember him holding me tight, then I woke up and it was a new day but nothing had changed. 

We all woke up early and I again cuddled into mum on the couch with Michael giving me tea and tissues.

Mum said Michael and I could stay home but I didn't want to. I hadn't spoken to Liz and as long as Michael didn't leave me I knew I could do this… get more conscious even by doing it. 

Michael drove the Jetta and left a reassuring hand on my knee, calming me, as we drove to school, I school Alex would never go to again. I put my hand in his when we reached the school and begged him to stay in the parking lot with me for a second. 

I hadn't needed to beg, Michael wasn't going to leave me, I saw the determined care in his eyes. If I had stayed in the Lot all day Michael would have been right beside me.

When my courage was high I said 'we can go now' and Michael had nodded, silently clasping my hand.

Liz had upset me; the pain in her eyes had hurt the most. Liz wanted an explanation, Michael and I had it already – bad things happen. 

Michael had decided to take me to the eraser room after that. I know what you're thinking, how heartlessly horny we are, but that wasn't it. Mostly we just hugged, with some soft kisses and murmured sad sentences.

When we left Vicky Cole and Sandra Kilbire saw us. Sandra snapped at Michael, could you believe it? She said he was 'taking advantage of me' so as Michael stiffened beside me (always the one in doubt) I barked back and it felt good to get angry, so I might have went overboard a bit… Alex would have been proud. 

Michael had grinned momentarily after the girls had left and quickly checked himself when I had noticed, but I didn't give him the chance to feel regret for being happy. I kissed him on the lips softly and he smiled gently back. 

The rest of the day was more blurred then focused, Michael was constantly beside me, Isabel was speaking to Max in a strained controlled voice at one point and I vaguely remembered a short conversation between Kyle and Michael.

"She's gonna be okay." I guess Kyle was referring to me.

Michael must have nodded because I felt him shift.

"It's my birthday today." Kyle added after a short moment.

Michael shifted again, this time uncomfortably, not knowing what to do.

"It's alright, my birthday isn't a big deal…"

Michael was about to just nod again but changed his mind at the last minute. "Mine never was either… Happy Birthday Man."

The boys both nodded and I snuggled into Michael – boy-talk was confusing yet strangely calming in its lack of words but abundance of meaning. 

That night I dreamed of Alex, he was 17 and I was 6, he was pushing me on the park swing and I was kicking my legs high in the air.

The next day went by in blurred steps, I remember Michael forcing me and mum to have breakfast, he cooked scrambled eggs and all I could think while eating them was that Alex was never going to eat such yummy eggs. Alex wasn't going to eat anything ever again.

I lay on the couch with mum most of the day with occasional touches from Michael when he needed to reassure himself I was still responsive to his touch, that I was still here with him and him with me.

That night I woke up and Michael had not been there, panic had hit as I thought he might of gone to his apartment and a raced to get my jacket on deciding to drive over and bring him back. Rushing out of my room I saw him on the couch asleep. Taking my jacket off I crept over and got under the covers beside him. Automatically his arms encased me and that night I slept better than I had in weeks, months, years…

The next morning there was a note on the coffee table for Michael from my mum, I curiously looked over his shoulder and sleepily tried to understand what it meant.

'Michael – 

I knew that 'couch' bit wouldn't really turn out how I had hoped…

I'm spending the morning with Caroline Whitman. Be back at 12 for the funeral at 2.

Amy.'

I gave up on figuring the note out and waited for Michael to register my midnight move by shifting heavily so I was lying completely on his body. "Morning." He sighed amused after a while.

That was my cue to snuggle into him more. I heard him sniffing and I caught his eye before he quirked an eyebrow and said. "You really need a shower."

I nodded in agreement; I was ready for the water. I wasn't ready to be alone for that long though, I feared the water would run over me and I'd stay in the shower all day, not even notice when it turned cold and then get sick… "Could you have it with me?"

Michael looked at me directly in the eye for a beat and nodded. "I stink abit aswell I 'spose."

I smiled at him, he knew what a meant. I needed his body near mine, not in a sexual way… I hadn't felt sexual at all in the past couple of days, but I needed his physical presence around me… anchoring me to reality.

The shower was wonderful, the suds covered our bodies and we washed each other tenderly, showing how much we cared for each other, loved each other… there were kisses, there always is with Michael, but the level, the meaning, degree at with they're applied always changes. These were soft, heart-warming.

As he was drying me, still wet and naked I got my first zing of sexual urge. He was so tender and as I watched his strong huge hands dry me with touch tenderness and delicateness I grew nervous.

Michael caught my eye and smiled gently and I knew we were on the same page. This had been the furthest we had gone, not only in just plain complete nakedness, but also in showing our feelings to one another.

"Let me dry you." I had requested before taking a new towel from the cupboard and running it over his lean body, kissing the skin before I dried it and unconsciously exploring his body for future reference. See that was the difference… that's what made me feel so guilty.

I wanted a future with Michael more than anything, I had always cared for Alex but I felt I hadn't cared enough. At the funeral I couldn't eat, my throat had closed from singing at the funeral and I knew part of it was fear. Just knowing I needed another human as much as I did Michael made me so scared and I had hugged Isabel probably the most, apart from Michael.

I had wanted to snap at Liz, tell her to mourn some other way… I didn't want Michael to feel any responsibility for Alex's death… even if it was an evil bloody alien, it wouldn't bring Alex back and my two alien friends and my alien love would feel an increase in pain.

As for the other alien… Tess, I snapped at her because she seemed to take light of everything, her only concern seemed Max's reaction to it. She assumed she knew Alex and again it felt good to snap at someone.

As Michael had sadly stood and walked away I felt guilt again for having my love for Michael increase in the past week. I had realised I'd become hollow if he ever died, and I felt guilt for not talking to Alex more in the past months, about Switzerland, what he did, how he felt… I know Alex couldn't have killed himself, he wasn't a selfish person at all… but my wish that it was an accident seems out of place, it almost runs against the grain of my heart.

THE END


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